We prefer not to think or talk about death because we fear it. But it is the yardstick we use to measure our life and its meaning. Without death providing perspective, our life and values wouldn’t mean anything.
When Manson was a young adult, a friend died at age 19 from diving off a cliff during a party. After struggling with the impact of this loss for a long time, Manson concluded that, given the inevitability of death, most of the things he spent time worrying about — fear, shame, embarrassment, and even pain — weren’t significant in the scheme of things. The experience changed his life, as he began to discard his insecurities, and focus on more important things.
Various religions and philosophies encourage connecting with mortality. Stoics advised keeping death in mind to appreciate life and put problems into perspective. Some types of Buddhism teach meditation as a way of preparing to die.
Mark Twain wrote: “Fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
Accepting your mortality means getting rid of superficial values and considering what impact your life has made.
Instead of feeling a need to be extraordinary because society celebrates only the extraordinary, you need to realize that fulfillment comes in questioning yourself, and choosing your own values — choosing what to give a f*ck about.
Confronting the reality of death teaches you to prioritize what’s important, and stop chasing or worrying about trivial things.
To deal with the fear of death, people often come up with ways to leave a legacy, by putting their name on something, contributing to a cause or doing something that will be remembered.
Focusing on a legacy may or may not be a positive thing. Psychologist and author Ernest Becker argued that we should instead confront the inevitability of death, and focus on having better values in life.
Becker was a professor of anthropology in the sixties when he got colon cancer. In order to cope with the fact that he was dying, he researched and wrote an influential book, The Denial of Death, about coming to terms with death.
He argued that because humans, unlike animals, have the ability to conceptualize past and future, and to imagine a future in which we no longer exist, we experience “death terror.” This anxiety about death underlies everything we do.
We have two selves, a physical self and a conceptual self, which is our identity or how we see ourselves. Because we know our physical self will die, we try to build a conceptual self or identity that will live on.
For instance, people name buildings after themselves, or spend time contributing to the welfare of children and others. Becker refers to these as immortality projects. But according to Becker, there’s a downside: Wars, acts of terror and mass murder, revolution occur when immortality projects conflict.
While our immortality projects express our values and meaning in our lives, we can never completely suppress our fear of death.
A way we distract ourselves from the inevitability of our death is by giving too many f_cks about things and feeling entitled. But giving a f_ck only about important things is part of accepting our mortality.
Becker argued that instead of focusing on immortality projects, you should question the identity you’ve created, and strive to accept the reality of death. Instead of futilely pursuing immortality, you’ll be free to choose more meaningful values in life.