When you don’t feel in control of a situation you become unhappy. You might not feel like you have any choice in the matter, or you might feel incapable of solving your problem.
It’s often a matter of perspective. A problem can make you miserable, or it can give you a sense of accomplishment when you solve it. Often the difference is in the degree to which you are responsible or feel you have a choice.
For example, if someone forced you to run 26 miles, it would be painful and you would feel miserable. But if you planned and trained for running a marathon, you’d feel pain but also a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in completing it.
We feel in control and empowered when we choose our problems or challenges. When forced to deal with problems not of our making we feel helpless and victimized. But here’s the solution — no matter what situation you’re in, no matter your circumstances, you always have a choice. You can choose how you feel about something, and you can choose how to behave in every situation.
We’ll discuss multiple applications of this idea below.
Once you accept your responsibility and ability to make choices, you’ll feel empowered in any situation, and this will make you happier.
We don’t always control what happens to us, but we’re responsible for how we respond to it.
William James, the brother of author Henry James, came to this realization in his own life, and further developed it when he became a leading thinker in American psychology.
He had many health issues as a child and young adult, and fell short of his wealthy family’s expectations for success. He was depressed and struggled in early adulthood to find something meaningful. After dropping out of Harvard Medical School and spending time studying philosophy, he decided to spend a year accepting responsibility for everything that happened to him, good or bad.
If nothing improved within a year, it would mean he was truly powerless and he would commit suicide. As he assumed responsibility for changing his circumstances he began feeling empowered and his life began improving. He later referred to the experience as a rebirth. He became a psychologist, taught at Harvard, and lectured in the U.S. and Europe.
The path to growth begins with realizing we’re responsible for everything that happens to us, regardless of whether we caused it.
In any situation, you have more choices than you think:
You actually can’t avoid responsibility, even if you try**.** Even choosing not to respond is a response.
You’re always making choices. The question is, what are you choosing to give a f*ck about? What values are the basis of your choices? What standards do you use to measure yourself?
The more responsibility we assume for what happens in our lives, the more power and control we have. Responsibility is the first step toward solving our problems.
For example, a man who had trouble getting dates decided it was because he was short. He blamed women for being shallow and he felt lonely and helpless to change things. His problem was that he chose a poor value (height), and didn’t take any responsibility for solving his loneliness problem. He could have chosen a different value, for instance dating women who accepted him for who he was — thus taking responsibility for solving his problem.
We often believe that taking responsibility for something equates to be being at fault or to blame for it. But responsibility and fault are different things.
The short man looking for dates wasn’t at fault for being short (he didn’t choose the circumstance and can’t easily change it), but he was responsible for how he responded (he could choose to respond in ways that made him either miserable or happy).
We aren’t to blame for everything that happens to us (for instance, a traumatic childhood), but we’re still responsible for how we respond today. Being responsible for experiences that aren’t our fault is part of life.
Fault exists in the past, responsibility in the present. The fault for what happened lies with the choices made in the past. You’re responsible for the choices you’re currently making in response to something.
You alone are responsible for your circumstances. Others may have contributed to the situation, but you’re responsible for your unhappiness — because you are choosing how to react to and frame the situation.
For example, suppose your girlfriend leaves you for someone else. She’s at fault for the precipitating event, but not responsible for how you feel about it. Only you can make yourself happy again. You can decide to take care of yourself (a value) and learn a lesson.
It’s easy to take responsibility for positive things in our lives. But it’s more important to take responsibility for problems so we learn from them.
Tragic and horrible things happen. You don’t choose them but you do choose how you handle the ramifications.
For example, if you’re robbed, you didn’t choose it, but you made choices nonetheless. For instance, you made choices at the time (running, screaming, or fighting), and later you chose how to respond to the physical and emotional aftereffects.
In 2009, a Pakistani schoolgirl, Malala Yousafzai, was shot in the face by the Taliban for speaking out against a ban on educating girls. She nearly died, but after recovering she chose to speak out against violence and oppression of girls in Muslim countries. Despite continuing threats on her life, she wrote a book, won the Nobel Peace Prize, and inspired others to help bring change.
We all experience pain of some kind — we decide what it means and how to respond.
Many people are born with disadvantages. They may feel as though they got the short end of the stick and they’re helpless to do anything about it, so they avoid taking responsibility.
But though it’s not their fault, they’re still responsible — and choices have impact.
For example, in poker, a player who gets poor cards can still win. The outcome of the game is determined by the players’ choices. It’s the same with life.
Example: A group of teens with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) were trying a new therapy. Therapists emphasized that the obsessive thoughts were not the teens’ fault. They encouraged the teens to accept these thoughts, but to choose a value more important than their OCD value (for instance, instead of the value of washing hands repeatedly, it might be getting out of the house more often). With new values in place, desensitization exercises were more effective. The teens learned that while they hadn’t chosen their conditions, they could choose how to respond.
Despite past tragedies, problems, and bad experiences, we are still responsible for moving on and making choices.
People often try to shift responsibility for solving their problems to others. Blaming someone else creates a feeling of moral rightness, or a high.
Social media help enable this behavior by making it easy to shift responsibility to someone else. People join in a public blame game, sharing injustices to generate sympathy and attention, which rewards those who feel victimized. Moral indignation makes them feel good and they get addicted to this feeling.
Here are some destructive effects:
We’ve all seen this counterproductive phenomenon. Instead of participating, you should:
Instead of playing the victim and expecting special treatment when you encounter disagreement, take responsibility for your feelings and choices.
There’s no blueprint for changing your values — you just have to choose whether to change or not, and then do it.
You’re already making choices of what to give a f_ck about. Change is a matter of choosing to give a f_ck about something different. Although it sounds simple there are temporarily uncomfortable side-effects:
Feeling uncertain is the most prevalent reaction when you decide to stop giving a f*ck about certain things, and to care about other things instead. But cultivating uncertainty is the second of the five counterintuitive values that can change your life.