Our culture tells us to always be positive and accepting of everything — to say yes. But you have no values if you view everything as equally valuable. Values give your life meaning and purpose.
Choosing certain values automatically precludes others. For example, if you choose the value of having a good marriage, you have to reject values that would undermine that, like indiscriminate sex. We’re defined by the values we reject as well as by those we choose. We have to do both.
It comes back to giving a f_ck about some things, and rejecting or choosing to not give a f_ck about others.
The idea of narrowing our options to be happy is counterintuitive — we typically think the path to happiness is having unlimited options and freedom. But meaning comes from caring a lot about select things. Freedom gives you too many options and you end up caring about nothing in particular.
We actually tend to be happier with less. The more options we have, the less satisfied we are with the options we choose, because we keep thinking of the ones we didn’t choose. You keep wondering if you’d be happier with a different choice. Psychologists call this the paradox of choice.
When you continually chase new experiences, there are diminishing returns — you gain less satisfaction from each additional experience.
Rather than following the cultural dictate to keep pursuing a broad range of things or experiences, you should focus on a narrower range of things and depth of experience. Prioritize quality over quantity. Here’s why:
Pursuing a broad range of experiences may be useful when you’re young and figuring out what interests you most. But the greatest satisfaction lies in commitment and depth, in your relationships, career and life interests.
Rejection is an integral part of committing ourselves to the values that mean the most to us. In a different way, rejection is also essential in building healthy personal and love relationships.
Rejection is a social skill everyone needs to learn. People try to avoid being rejected or rejecting others because it makes them feel bad.
But if you don’t practice rejection, you’ll get stuck in situations that make you unhappy, although feeling bad is what you were trying to avoid in the first place.
Practicing rejection strengthens our relationships. When we’re comfortable saying no and getting no for an answer, that means our relationship is based on honesty and openness.
Superficial communication, which emphasizes appearances (smiling and being polite), developed because it creates economic opportunity: It leads to job opportunities through establishing a lot of superficial connections and improves sales.
However, it’s a dishonest and deceptive way of communicating. We focus on being likable to the point that we change our personality to suit the circumstances. Superficial communication makes us feel insecure because we don’t know what to believe or trust.
An inability or unwillingness to practice rejection leads to unhealthy love relationships. It blurs the boundaries between partners when one or both assume responsibility for the other’s feelings, rather than rejecting that role.
To have a healthy relationship, there must be firm boundaries between the partners and their values. Each person must:
Literature and entertainment extol unhealthy relationships. They promote a notion of romantic love in which two people over-identify with each other. It’s characterized by drama, displays of emotion, and roller-coaster ups and downs.
However, romantic love hasn’t always been celebrated. Until the mid-19th century it was viewed as a distraction and an impediment to getting important things done, like farming and other methods of making a living. Most marriages were arranged with economic stability as the priority.
Romantic love can be like an addiction, giving temporary highs but creating long-term problems.
Blurred boundaries are reflected in statements such as: “How could you make me feel so stupid in front of my sister?” “Don’t do that to me again.” “Stop going places without me — you know it makes me jealous.” People who say these things push the responsibility of how they feel to their partners, instead of taking personal responsibility and making a choice about how they feel.
Responsibility-shifting can happen in family relationships too. For instance, a mother fixes all her children’s problems, and they grow up believing others should take care of things for them. (This is why problems in your relationship can echo those of your parents.)
Entitled people blame others or accept blame or responsibility for another because they’re trying to feel loved.
Victims and savers are attracted to each other (people with healthy boundaries don’t interest them), but they end up unable to meet each other’s needs. Each is selfish, and uses the other to get a high.
Maintaining boundaries in a healthy relationship doesn’t mean partners don’t help and support each other. They support each other by choice, rather than due to pressure or a feeling of obligation.
In a healthy relationship, you don’t need to give a f*ck about everything your partner cares about. But you care about your partner regardless. Your love is unconditional.
Trust is a vital component in a relationship. You have to trust each other enough to be honest: to say what you really think and feel, and to tolerate rejection (saying no and hearing no).
That means being honest about even simple things — for instance, in a situation where two people are getting ready to go out, and one asks the other, “How do I look?” Many partners lie to avoid discomfort in answering that question. But honesty in a relationship is more important than feeling good in the moment. Being honest about small things sets the stage for being honest about bigger things.
Conflict and differences also help to build trust. In fact, conflict is necessary because when people can disagree, it means the relationship isn’t conditional or dependent on keeping one or the other happy.
You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust. If you don’t trust someone, you don’t believe it when they say they love you. Also, you don’t feel loved unless you can trust that it’s not based on conditions.
However, cheating destroys trust. If trust can’t be repaired, the relationship is over.
This process applies to repairing any relationship where trust has been broken: The transgressor owns up to the values that led to the rift; and proves he/she values the relationship through improved behavior over time.
You may be able to repair one breach of trust, like gluing a broken plate back together. But if trust is broken again, the relationship (like the previously broken plate) is damaged this time beyond repair.