The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck argues that our culture and social media encourage us to pursue superficial things in order to be happy. But we end up feeling miserable because we fail to prioritize — we give a f*ck about too many things rather than choosing and focusing on just a few important things that give our lives meaning. This book is a guide for sorting out what’s important and what’s not, and redirecting our lives to achieve true satisfaction.
Social media, entertainment, and advertising messages urge us to give a f*ck about everything incessantly. We “must” always strive for more — more happiness, more money and success, more experiences, more friends, more possessions, greater attractiveness, and a better body. In addition, self-help “experts” unrealistically urge us to be positive and happy all the time.
But we feel unhappy instead because these messages emphasize what we lack. By constantly wishing/striving for something, you reinforce to yourself that you don't have it. Then the self-help experts give you superficial, short-term fixes: Stand in front of a mirror and repeat affirmations, or follow 10 easy steps to become rich. The advice further emphasizes what you’re lacking while failing to offer lasting solutions.
As a result:
We go through life giving too many f*cks. We need to choose constructive values and standards, then use them to decide what things we care most about — and reject the rest.
Even when you achieve success, fame, and self-improvement, as defined by society, they don’t necessarily lead to a more satisfying life if they aren’t built on constructive values and choices.
Example: Novelist Charles Bukowski, who worked for 30 years as a postal employee, was an alcoholic and struggling writer. He finally achieved success at age 50 with the book, Post Office. After that he produced six more novels and sold over two million copies. However, his commercial success and fame never made him happy. Bukowski continued to chase superficial highs, including alcohol, and remained miserable because of these negative values. He continued choosing to see himself as a failure until his death, and his tombstone reads, “Don’t Try.”
Despite society’s messages, feeling good all the time is impossible. You can’t attain satisfaction without experiencing pain, struggle, and failure. Anything worthwhile has a negative side (for instance, being physically fit requires painful exercise). If you try to avoid the negative you don’t get to experience the worthwhile thing.
The key to a happy, meaningful life is to give a f*ck about less, and focus on what is most valuable and important to you.
Unlike animals, we have the unique ability to think and examine our thoughts. This ability, combined with our fixation on being happy all the time, can create an unproductive feedback loop in which our feelings spiral out of control whenever we begin to feel bad about something.
For instance, suppose you have a problem with getting angry about small things. You know you shouldn’t, but you get ticked off about something. You then start to get even more angry about getting ticked off in the first place. You berate yourself for that too, because you’re not supposed to be getting angry. In effect, you’re angry at yourself for getting angry about getting angry. You can get into negative feedback loops with other emotions as well, like feeling anxious about feeling anxious, or guilty about feeling guilty.
We feel bad about feeling bad because of our culturally driven belief that we shouldn’t feel bad — that guilt, anxiety, fear, and other negative feelings are not OK.
Social media reinforces this by depicting other people in happy situations all the time — on Facebook people tout their greatest experiences and accomplishments. This can leave us feeling inadequate by comparison. When we don’t feel happy all the time too, we feel there is something wrong with us.
By contrast, back in your grandfather’s time, people weren’t constantly flooded with images of other people leading ecstatic, perfect lives. And so they didn’t obsess as much over feeling bad. When your grandfather felt bad, he was more likely to shake it off because he had too much work to do to waste time feeling sorry for himself.
The key to breaking the emotional feedback loop is to not take your feelings so seriously — to not give a f*ck. Tell yourself: Things are screwed up and I feel bad, but so what. This frees you to stop berating yourself because you feel bad.
The problem with trying to not give a f_ck is that **we have so many options and opportunities that we don’t know what to give a f_ck about, and we end up obsessing about every little thing**.
We spend too much of our time caring about things not worth our time. For instance, we get upset when a favorite show is canceled, when someone cuts in line, or we feel slighted. This siphons energy from caring about more important things. We can’t care about everything equally — we have a limited number of f*cks to give.
We keep giving too many f*cks because we feel entitled to perpetual happiness and comfort, and expect everything to be the way we want it. This leads to meltdowns as little things take on huge proportions. For instance, disagreements seem to be betrayals, inconveniences become insults, challenges feel like failures. It’s a personal feedback loop that keeps you from getting anywhere.
Counterculture philosopher Alan Watts referred to this as the “backwards law:” The more you strive to feel better and happier, the less satisfied you become — because pursuing something reminds you that you don’t have it.
We need to learn how to choose what matters and what doesn’t based on a set of personal values we identify. Learning to prioritize and focus is difficult — but it may be our most important task in life.
“Not giving a f*ck” doesn’t mean being apathetic or not caring about anything.
People sometimes try to appear indifferent to hide the fact that they actually care too much about too many things; they’re afraid they might choose the wrong things, so they don't make significant choices.
Instead, not giving a f*ck means:
This book will help you: