Self-awareness helps you understand what values are driving you to feel and act in certain ways, so you can choose better values.
Self-awareness has multiple layers, like an onion. To uncover your deepest motives, you need to peel back the layers and examine each one by questioning yourself.
To understand our feelings and values we need to ask ourselves questions that can make us uncomfortable. For instance:
Problems are inevitable but we determine what they mean based on the values and standards we use to interpret them. The values and standards we apply are more important than the actual truth of the situation.
Here’s a more specific example from the author’s life. Manson wanted to have a close relationship with his brother, and he believed an essential part of that was for them to be responsive to each others’ emails and text messages. But his brother didn’t respond consistently to his messages, which upset him.
As he questioned himself, each Q&A brought him closer to the values and standards underlying his feelings:
Manson’s problem was using his brother’s email responses a measurement of their relationship, which was a warped yardstick and was outside of his control. He could have defined and measured closeness a different way, such as trusting each other or being able to rely on each other when in trouble.
After working through his emotions and values, he became aware of why he felt so much pain, and found that it was unjustified.
Your values are what you believe to be important and want to achieve. Your standards are the yardstick you use to measure success or failure in living up to your values.
What are your personal standards? We have internal standards against which we measure ourselves, without necessarily being conscious of them. It’s important to recognize and understand them so we can change our values if they’re not constructive.
Musician Dave Mustaine’s reaction to being kicked out of the band Metallica is an example of applying nonconstructive standards. He didn’t give up on his value of being a success — he worked hard and eventually started another band, MegaDeth. It went on to do very well, but in his mind it was not as good as Metallica — and he continued to consider himself a failure.
He chose a narrow, specific measurement for success — being more popular than Metallica — and counted himself a failure although by many other definitions (for instance, having fans) he was a great success.
Another example of framing things comes from the life of World War II Japanese officer Hiroo Onoda, who stayed on an island in the Philippines long after the war, still following orders to resist the enemy. He didn’t realize the war was over until he was found almost 30 years later.
The personal value that drove him was loyalty to the empire and he measured it by persistence and steadfastness in sticking to his orders for decades. He considered himself a success until he returned to Japan and found his sacrifice unappreciated, because the empire was gone and the country drastically changed. Then he realized the futility of what he had done and became miserable. Had he adjusted the way he measured “loyalty to country” (for instance, keeping the memory of his comrades alive), he might have continued being happy.
You can see your problems differently if you change what you value and how you define success and failure.
Early in their career, the Beatles kicked out drummer Pete Best. His initial reaction was to sue, get depressed and contemplate suicide. But soon he met the woman he would later marry, and began looking at things differently. He changed his values and measured the rest of his life by his marriage, children, and contentment. Fame was no longer important to him, and he was happy.
Our values and standards can be constructive or destructive — they may lead to good problems that we enjoy solving or to problems that stymie and frustrate us, leading to unhappiness.
Good values are based on fact, are constructive, and have an outcome you can control.
For example, being honest is a good value because you have control over how you implement it, it’s factually determined, and it’s constructive (telling someone the truth may be unpleasant but could benefit one or both of you).
Other good values include behaving ethically, doing constructive work, standing up for yourself, supporting and caring for others, and self-respect. They are factually based, constructive, and you can control them. You also develop them internally.
Bad values are non-factual, non-constructive, and out of your control.
For example, being popular is a bad value because it’s based on what others think of you, which you don’t control. It’s also not factually or reality based: feeling popular doesn’t mean you actually are popular.
Unhealthy values include dishonesty/lying to others, manipulation and force, overindulgence in something, always feeling good, always being liked, attention-seeking. They are not fact-based or constructive. They can be externally driven.
To take this idea further, here are some common destructive values that lead to difficult or even unsolvable problems:
Poor values don’t lead to meaning and accomplishment. If you adopt the right values and standards, satisfaction and accomplishment will result.
When you have poor values and standards, you’re giving f*cks about things that don’t matter and lead to difficult or unsolvable problems.
By contrast, when you adopt healthy values and standards, you reserve your f*cks for things that lead to good problems and enhance your well-being.
For example, after leaving the Beatles Pete Best eventually reprioritized what he cared about, and defined success differently, which led to a satisfying life. Adopting and prioritizing good values — choosing constructive things to give a f*ck about — is what self-improvement is all about.
The rest of the book discusses five beneficial, but counterintuitive values (they run counter to cultural and social media messages). They require addressing problems rather than avoiding them through denial or feel-good exercises.
The remaining chapters of the book explore each of these topics.