Grit

We’ve talked about developing grit internally. You can increase interest and purpose, and build in better deliberate practice helps.

But grit is developed over a long period of time and is affected by the environment you’re in. Grit depends on what kind of feedback you get and what opportunities you’re exposed to.

The last part of the Grit book discusses our environments - childhood, parenting, and organization.

Parenting Styles

Parenting styles are split along two axes:

* Demanding ←→ Undemanding * Supportive ←→ Unsupportive

This forms a 2x2 grid of parenting styles:

Undemanding

Demanding

Supportive

Permissive Parenting

Wise Parenting

Unsupportive

Neglectful Parenting

Authoritarian Parenting

(Wise parenting is also known as authoritative parenting.)

You might think that being demanding puts too much pressure on kids and is unsupportive. But this is a myth. High standards and loving support don’t exist on the same spectrum, and increasing standards doesn’t mean being less supportive. Parents who fear having high standards swing too hard in the other direction, giving unconditional support and open latitude, which isn’t good for grit.

Children aren’t always the better judge of what to do, how hard to work, and when to give up. They need proper reinforcement from adults to hone this sense.

Wise Parenting Leads to Better Outcomes

Wise parenting produces kids who get higher grades, are more self-reliant, and experience less anxiety and depression. This is generally true across ethnicity, social class, and marital status.

For instance, white children of middle-class, non-intact families showed a GPA difference of 3.14 vs 2.73 for authoritative vs nonauthoritative parenting. Black children of working-class, non-intact families showed GPA differences of 2.78 vs 2.42.

As children age, wise parenting leads to the healthiest behavior of all parenting styles.

Children of neglectful parents performed worst, drinking alcohol and smoking at a rate twice as much as their wise-parented peers. They also showed multiples more rates of antisocial behavior and internalizing symptoms (depression).
Indulgent parenting produced children slightly better than neglectful parenting.
Compared to wise parenting, authoritarian parenting produced children with similar alcohol and smoking use, but slightly more antisocial behavior and noticeably more internalizing symptoms.

How to Distinguish Parenting Styles

How do you distinguish parenting styles? The following statements are posed to children. (The lines in italics are inverted.)

Supportive: Warm

I can rely on my parents to help me with my problems.
I spend time talking with my parents.
My parents and I do fun things together.
My parents don’t like when I tell them my problems.
When I do well, my parents don’t praise me.

Supportive: Respectful

My parents respect my point of view.
My parents say they’re correct and that I shouldn’t question their ideas.
My parents respect my privacy.
My parents give me personal freedom.
My parents decide what I should do most of the time.

Demanding

My parents clarify family rules and expect me to follow them.
When I do something wrong, my parents let me get away with it and don’t punish me.
My parents suggest how I can do better in the future.
My parents want me to try my best, even when it’s hard.

Teaching Style and Grit

Similar statements apply to teachers and how they manage their classrooms:

Demanding (produces better academic results):

My teacher insists on our best effort at all times.
Students in my class behave how my teacher wants them to.

Supportive (improves student happiness):

My teacher knows if something is bothering me and asks about it.
My teacher invites us to share our thoughts.

In an interesting experiment, graded student essays were sorted into two piles. The experimental group had a note that read: "I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations, and I know that you can reach them." The control read, "I’m giving you these comments so that you’ll have feedback on your paper." Students were then given the option of revising their essays. 80% of the students with the wise feedback turned in a revised paper, compared to 40% in the control group.

Parents Need to Model Grit

Supportive and demanding parenting may more likely lead to grit, this but requires that parents model grit for their children. Not all children under wise parenting will grow up gritty, and not all gritty parents will practice wise parenting.

Therefore, in her family, Duckworth applies the Hard Thing Rule:

Everyone in the family has to do a hard thing. A hard thing requires daily deliberate practice (such as getting better at your job, yoga, violin).
You can’t quit until a natural stopping point. Examples of stopping points include when tuition payments finish or when the sports season is over. You can’t quit just because you had a bad day.
You get to pick your own hard thing. This develops interest.
(In high school) Each child must commit to an activity for at least two years.

Quote