As we’ve seen, people want to feel safe and in control. Autonomy is one of the most basic human emotional needs. As a good negotiator, you need to give your counterpart the illusion of control and lead them to your preferred outcome (while letting them think it’s their idea).
But how do you make them think they’re in the driver’s seat? By asking calibrated, open-ended “how” or “what” questions.
For example, if you’re confronted with a price that’s too high or an offer that’s unreasonably low, respond with a simple, “How am I supposed to do that?” These straightforward, yet seemingly innocuous questions can be the golden key in a negotiation.
Other good calibrated questions are, “How can we solve this problem?” or “What about this is important to you?” or “What are we really trying to accomplish here?”
Calibrated questions prompt longer answers, which reveal key information. Your counterpart might reveal what they really desire out of a negotiation or what a potential dealbreaker might be. They might also reveal the challenges they face in actually delivering on the terms you’re negotiating (like a salesperson whose boss won’t allow them to sell you an item for under a certain amount).
Calibrated questions also remove tension by letting you introduce ideas and requests without seeming pushy or aggressive. There’s no statement or position to attack, because you’re just asking a question.
But most importantly, calibrated questions put your counterpart to work helping you. You’re putting the other person in a position where they’re providing solutions to your problems. In doing so, you’re leading them along to the conclusion that you want them to reach: all the while, convincing them that your desired solution is their idea. This also helps with the implementation of the decision. Your counterpart will buy into it and commit to it because they’ll think they came up with it. In this scenario, they’re the teacher and you’re the student: giving them a powerful feeling of being in charge. But you’re really in control as the listener, because they’re giving you information.
Crucially, calibrated questions are debt-free. What do we mean by this? Straight requests for information can lead to an unproductive tit-for-tat dynamic, where the other side expects reciprocity. “I gave you something, now you give me something.”
A straight request for information is something that can either be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” or just a simple, minimal response. Questions like, “Does this apartment have a washer-dryer?” or “When were the windows in this apartment last cleaned?” yield nothing beyond the literal information requested. You’re not putting your counterpart to work for you and you’re setting up the expectation that you’ll pay them back with information of your own. And if your counterpart is good, they’ll ask for information that’s highly valuable to you.
Calibrated questions free you from this trap, because they come across as natural, normal, conversational questions: not requests for information. “How can we get this to work?” doesn’t have the tit-for-tat feel. You’re asking without directly asking.
Similarly, questions that begin with “why” are inherently accusatory. Asking a question like, “Why would I pay a price like what you’re offering?” has a hidden subtext. It’s essentially saying, “You must think I’m pretty stupid if you think I’d agree to let myself be gouged like that.” Asking “why” questions will put your counterpart on the defensive, which is the last place you want them to be. The only reason you might ask a “why” question is when you want them to defend your position. You’d do this by asking questions like, “Why would you want to buy our product?”
With all of this focus on taking advantage of your counterpart’s emotions, you need to also remember to regulate your own emotions. Don’t get angry. Calibrated questions, mirroring, labeling, accusation audits, and everything else will fail if you’re overly emotional. You’ll only heighten the emotional stakes of the negotiation and encourage your counterpart to respond in kind.
If you feel yourself getting emotional, hit the pause button. Let the passion dissipate. Don’t respond to your counterpart’s provocations with outbursts of your own. They’re trying to rattle you as part of their strategy: don’t play into their hands.
For example, if you feel you’re getting into a terse exchange with a counterpart, even a simple, “You’re right, I’m sorry, that was a bit harsh” can help to de-escalate the situation.