If the key to successful negotiating is information, then great negotiators are those who know how to use their skills to extract secrets and surprises. Information is the currency of negotiations: if you don’t have it, you’re already at a disadvantage. So how do you get information?
Keep an open mind. Don’t make any assumptions and don’t rely solely on your prior knowledge to guide you throughout the negotiation process. You’ll glean key psychological insights from the person across the table if you keep your ears open and your mouth shut.
Of course, your counterpart won’t open up to you if they don’t feel comfortable with you and don’t feel like you’re expressing empathy for their point of view. Below are some of the tactics you can use to project empathy, put your counterpart in a calm state of mind, and get them to offer up crucial information.
Active listening is a set of tools that skilled negotiators use to disarm their counterparts. It means making clear that you’re listening and understanding the other person.
Too often, we are only passively listening. We might be literally hearing the words they’re saying, but we’re filtering out information that doesn’t conform with our biases, only focusing on hearing the things that lead us to our foregone conclusions.
Or, we’re so overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information that our brains are shutting down as a defense mechanism: like a computer that’s reached the limits of its processing power. When we’re passively listening, we’re missing important information and squandering an opportunity to show our counterpart that we care about what they have to say.
So how do we actively listen?
Talk slowly and calmly to show that you’re actively listening and concerned about how they feel.
In contrast, think about how it feels when someone (like a salesperson) bombards you with lots of information all at once. You feel overwhelmed, not in control, and like they’re trying to pull one over on you. It’s as if the other person cares more about what they’re saying than about listening to your concerns.
Apply these experiences to your negotiations with others. When you speak too fast or ambush someone with your argument all at once, they’re going to feel unheard and unfairly pressured. They might get defensive or even break off negotiations because they feel you’re not giving them the time to make the right decision.
Keep it slow and calm.
We’ve all heard the saying, “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.” And it’s true: tone matters far more than word choice. Using different tones of voice can have a remarkable effect: it’s like flipping an emotional switch that gets people cooperative and relaxed.
There are three main negotiating voices to use:
Mirroring is one of the most effective psychological tactics you can use. Essentially, it’s imitation and repetition. You repeat the last three words that the person has said in your next sentence. Sounds simple, but there’s profound psychological meaning behind it.
Human beings are drawn to what’s similar and are distrustful of that which seems alien or different. By imitating their speech patterns, you’re signaling to the other person not only that you’re hearing them, but also that you’re like them.
This is something we see every day: Think of couples who walk in sync with each other in the park or friends who imitate each other’s body language during a conversation.
In negotiations, you build this kind of rapport by mimicking your counterpart’s word choice. By making them feel comfortable, you’ll make them feel that they’re talking to a trusted friend, even a confidante, rather than an opponent.
Ultimately, mirroring allows you to confront without being confrontational and disagree without being disagreeable. Here’s how you do it.
Here’s how mirroring might work in an everyday scenario.
Those magical three words make a huge difference in how you sound. The other person feels more heard and thus feels safe.