Our family is the first place we learn about emotions and how to handle them. Children learn not just through the things parents say, but the things they see parents do as well.
There are 3 common parenting styles that are harmful:
We’ll look at 3 common issues parents face with their children -- anger, depression, and eating disorders -- and the danger of letting these issues go unmitigated.
Angry kids usually become bullies who, incapable of handling their own emotional reactions, take their anger out on other children, leading to social isolation, disciplinary actions, and judgement from teachers.
Bullies are more likely to drop out of school and end up with criminal records, and they’re likely to pass their violence and aggression down to their kids -- not only through genes but through nurturing and the environment of the household -- which creates more bullies.
Bullies typically come from households where punishment is an emotion-based system. When parents are in a bad mood, the punishment for misbehaving is severe. When parents are in a good mood, the kids can do whatever they want without consequences. This volatility and lack of logic creates a kind of chaos that encourages letting emotions dictate one’s actions, violence and aggression as the primary ways of dealing with negative emotions, and a lack of boundaries.
Very often, bullies come from households of abuse or neglect. Abused children are more likely to abuse their own children, creating whole family lineages of abuse passed down through the generations. Abuse shatters trust in people and the world around them, and often makes the victims feel as though something about themselves caused the abuse, or that they deserve it for some reason. On the opposite end are households where parents emotionally neglect their children -- and neglect can be more detrimental than abuse, some studies find.
Anger doesn’t always result in bullying -- sometimes angry children are social outcasts, withdrawn and overreactive to perceived insults. This is the common tendency among angry kids, whether they’re bullies or not: angry children perceive threats or slights where they’re not intended--someone bumping into them accidentally in the hall, for example -- and then lash out at those perceived threats, furthering their isolation. Most of these kids see themselves as victims who are merely acting in self-defense.
International data reflects a modern epidemic of depression in today’s young people. Each generation since the beginning of the 21st century has a higher risk than their parents of suffering major depression.
Some people think kids grow out of depression, but the opposite is true: mild episodes of depression in childhood often lead to more severe episodes in adulthood.
Depressed children, like angry children, are more likely to be isolated and ostracized in school, making it harder for them to learn social skills and build relationships that could help pull them out of depression. Depression also affects concentration and memory, leading to worse grades and poorer academic performance.
Relationship problems of any kind are the most triggering factor for depression in young people.
Handling setbacks is another frequent trigger for depression. Interpreting their failures as personal shortcomings they can’t change, or things that don’t work no matter what they seem to do, drives them deeper into depression.
Eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia develop primarily due to an inability to tell the difference between negative emotions (sadness, anxiety, anger) and bodily impulses (hunger or lack of appetite). They’re essentially incorrect responses to impulses.
Therapy that addresses these emotional deficits can go a long way in helping rehabilitate people suffering from eating disorders. Learning how to identify and distinguish between feelings, how to self-soothe or manage relationships more productively will lead to improvements in their relationship to food.
Parents who want emotionally healthy kids first need to work on their own emotional health. Setting a good example for your children is the first step you can take to better their future.
Then, parents need to encourage and help their children develop good emotional habits. This will lead to better academic performance, more social skills and better relationships, better performance in the workplace, and better health.
Parents who address emotions healthily:
Here are the qualities a child needs to be the most efficient student and a successful person. Parents can help their children learn and practice these qualities: