The culmination of all the previous skills combined, when we recognize our own emotions, manage them, motivate ourselves to do better, and can empathize with others, our personal relationships are bound to improve. Managing someone else’s emotions is the key to successful relationships.
As children, we imitate others’ emotions, and this tendency never really leaves us -- we do it throughout our lives. Emotions are contagious. Whoever’s mood is stronger or whoever expresses their mood more forcefully will win out. This is called entrainment.
- You might be in a good mood at work, but if you get home and your partner’s in a horrible mood, whoever’s mood is stronger will start to sway the other one to their side.
- Good public speakers do this: they sway the emotions of the crowd by demonstrating their own emotions.
How in tune our emotions are with someone else’s can also speak to how close we are to that person--the stronger the emotional connection we feel with someone, the more tightly we will mirror their physical movements and emotional moods when we’re with them.
Social ineptitude is an inability to interact successfully with one’s peers. It usually begins in childhood, and without learning emotional intelligence habits, socially inept children will find themselves trapped in a cycle that can last into adulthood.
- Think of children playing at recess. One child wants to join in the play. The socially adept way of joining is to watch the group for awhile, join tentatively, and play by the existing rules, references, and routine. Someone who does this will be accepted into the group, and then the more they play together, the more the newcomer can start to do things like question the rules or suggest changes.
- A socially inept child will push their way into groups without knowing what’s going on and often reject the given circumstances of the group play: they’ll change subjects abruptly or pressure others to follow their new rules. This leads to the group ignoring them or rejecting them, which deprives them of their ability to learn how to play together.
Interpersonal intelligence, or the ability to manage relationships, breaks down into 4 distinct and separate abilities:
- Organizing groups. An essential skill for leaders, this is the ability to initiate and coordinate the energy and efforts of a group of people. Theatre directors, producers, military officers, and heads of organizations must possess this skill to be successful.
- Negotiating solutions. This skill involves avoiding conflicts or resolving ones that arise -- it’s the mediator skill. Successful diplomats, lawyers, middlemen, and management have this skill.
- Personal connection. Empathizing and connecting are the heart of this skill. People with this skill make excellent salespeople, managers, or teachers, and are usually good team players in both business and personal relationships.
- Social analysis. Slightly different from the last one, this skill involves easily detecting and intuiting the emotions, motivations, and concerns of other people. Therapists or counselors and even novelists and entertainment writers possess this skill.
People who possess these skills are usually natural leaders whom other people gravitate to and enjoy being around. But if these skills aren’t accompanied by a strong sense of self and self-awareness for one’s own feelings, the person will be a social chameleon, turning themselves into whatever the other person needs or wants but never having an identity of their own.
- These skills can be useful though, and are coveted in certain professions, such as politicians and diplomats, lawyers, and even actors.
The best balance would be to be true to yourself and use your social skills with integrity. (Shortform note: We’ll go into more detail on familial and romantic relationships in the next chapter.)